Hello Again

It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to let my feelings flow out of me, but it’s nice to be back. I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I love it. I love myself. It feels good to feel that. I haven’t felt that in a long time. I haven’t let myself feel the world around me in a long time. Guilt and fear led to me being reclusive.

Since the days of me being a child growing up in Southern California I’ve never been that confident. I was never the best looking, smartest, or most creative. I always just felt average. Truth is the only thing that separated me from the people I felt inferior to is confidence.

Confidence has a fine line. You have too much and it feeds your ego to a gluttony state. You have too little and it keeps you from living a healthy life. I feel like I’m in that sweet spot right now. Where I have enough confidence to do the things I love and feeling confident to share them with the world, but not enough to think the world should indulge in it.

There’s a lot of things I’ve wanted to try in life but never had enough confidence to actually pursue. That led me to being depressed and letting an abundance of time fly by as I stood stagnant. That was not a great time. Those are the lost years that I’ll never get back and I have to be content with that. Even now I don’t regret it. It led me to the mindset I have now. Everyday during those times I wanted to just let it all go and end it, but I never could. Even in that mindset when it would come down to it my conscience would say “There’s many things you haven’t done that you still have left to do.” Like a flickering camp fire in the middle of a dark Forrest it was the only thing that kept me going.

I still don’t know what those things I have to do specifically are, but I’m gonna do the things the child in me always wanted to do and hopefully I find the answer along the way. The difference between them and now is that I already know what it’s like to fail. I know what it’s like to lose people I love. I know what it’s like to hurt loved ones when all they wanted to do was help and most importantly I know what it’s like to give up. I’m going to be okay because I know how to confront my feelings and the world around me. I’ve always been a cerebral person and my mind got the best of me, but I know how to be me now and being okay with me.

Be on the look out cause I’m not done.